I asked hubby to hold down the fort and watch the kids. I packed my bag and set out. I needed quiet time. This was the weekend I was going to approach the Lord and beg him for a gift I needed.
As I began my drive towards the bay, I felt a heaviness to my soul. A physiological change began as I entered my dark garden. All those stackings, failures, and trauma begin to weigh me down and compress me.
Did the Lord know I was coming to him? Was he allowing me to feel the weight of my sins? Was he shifting onto my shoulders the burden he bore for me? It became so heavy that I began to cry inside, with a bitterness that I did not know was in me.
Even the cells in my body compressed, becoming weighed down. All I wanted was relief from my backslidings and my broken state. I felt all my energy and focus come to this pinpoint.
Let me answer. He did know I was coming to him. He watches and knows all of our movements and our motives. He knew of my struggles to get from point A to point B.
Did he agree it was a sound mission? For really, it was the mission of vanity. Why did I want to be thin? What a frivolous matter in the span of eternity.
But despite the vain motive, it still brought this child to the feet of Christ. I had chosen HIM. He meets us where we are.
He did not say to me,
“I can’t believe this is what you’re coming to me with”.
Maybe he was pleased that I came to him, at all. Maybe his plan was to help me with my shallow motives at a later date. For now, he had a child feeling after him.
Was he going to help?
I spent the next two days in an almost blind fervor begging him to change me. I say blind, I was barely aware of what was happening around me, although I put myself through the motions for that weekend. “Chang me”. It was the only sentence that rushed out of me like a mighty storm. If I could move mountains and rivers, it would be with this desperation. I could think of nothing else. I could say nothing else. I only wanted him to change me. It was a fire that burned in me as I begged for this blessing over and over for hours.
Finally, I felt the wind and waves inside me abate. My plea was heard. It was enough. I drove home weary and weak.
And then what happened?
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